After almost two years of marriage, I’ve recently come to a very serious conclusion…I’m married to a stereo hog. Similar to it’s cousins, the TV hog or the bed hog, the stereo hog is seldom seen running wild in it’s habitat. Lucky for you, the Clueless Newlywed has insider knowledge to this little hog’s daily routine. Let’s take a look at my most recent observations…
The stereo hog starts his day early…Around 7 am or so. Yawning and rolling out of his den, the hog turns on the radio and splashes around in the local watering hole (aka The Shower). As he prepares for the long day ahead, his mate who is still fast asleep in the den, is awakened by the hog’s high-pitched, off-key squealing, something the stereo hog refers to as “singing in the shower.”
Once the stereo hog is clean and awake, he rustles his way into his pen, making sure that no more than ten seconds go by before he has fired up the PC, navigated to Pandora and cranked up the volume. The hog sits contently, surfing the web and eating his morning scraps, and grunts something that resembles a ‘Good morning’ as his mate walks by, rolling her eyes.
The morning commute to the farm (aka Work) can only be described as a cacophony of Sirius Radio, CDs and mp3’s. Regardless of whether he is alone in the car or accompanied by his mate, the stereo hog remains steadfast as the music commander. His hooves are constantly pushing buttons on the dashboard, trying to pinpoint the optimal sound quality for each note that comes out of the speakers.
Once on the Farm, the stereo hog burrows himself in a corner, fastens headphones to his ears and digs into his work. From time to time, one might see the stereo hog leave his post to eat at the trough or do his business. Rarely does the stereo hog interact with other farm animals, as communicating with other species would take away from his listening time.
The ride home is similar to the morning commute, as the stereo hog attempts to drown out his mate’s squeals about her day on the Farm, by tuning into a radio station and turning up the volume. From time to time, he grunts and snorts to give off the impression that he’s listening to his mate rather than the music coming out of the car speakers.
Once back home, the stereo hog secludes himself in his pen again, and he spends the rest of the night assembling his play list for the next day. Sometimes, the stereo hog can be seen creating his own melodies, and playing them again and again until he’s satisfied with the sound.
As the night winds down, the stereo hog sets down his earphones, trudges into his den and nestles close to his mate. Visions of musical notes dance in his head as the stereo hog drifts off to sleep.
Such is a day in the life of a stereo hog.
Ladies…What kind of hog are you married to?