But lest you think I am the only half of this couple with quirks, I felt it necessary to hack into the Clueless Newlywed Blog and share some of my wife’s more interesting habits with you.
This is the tale of the Flip-Flopper from Hell!
(Told to you personally by the Clueless Newlywed’s husband.)
Picture if you will, a beautiful night. The air filled with the gentle crashing of waves as our nature sounds alarm clock attempts to fill the void in our lives that Cancun and its amazing beaches left. In this serene atmosphere is a bedroom, and in this bedroom is a bed in which two people lye, a woman and a bronze-skinned, handsome young man with a body chiseled by the gods of Mount Olympus themselves. I kiss my wife goodnight and drift off to sleep.
1:00am – It begins.
My wife, frustrated at this evening’s bout of insomnia, releases a sigh of irritation. The sigh is not enough to wake me, but just enough to creep into my dream and audibly interrupt Shakira’s devotion of love for me. She then decides her insomnia must be caused by her position, and proceeds to rotate onto her side, now facing me. I continue my slumber, but it will not last long. For moments later, with her mouth now inches from my ear, my wife lets out another, more aggravated sigh and proceeds to complete one of the most difficult maneuvers ever witnessed in a bed. She, with complete disregard that another human being is sleeping next to her, physically launches her petite body completely off the mattress. Then, while hovering in mid air, parallel to the bed, my wife spins a full 180 degrees onto her other side before crashing back down to earth with the thunderous shake of a thousand wild boars.
I am awake now!
I lay there motionless, hoping the worst is behind us but knowing full well it has only just begun. My wife’s following steps are always the same: First, she thinks that maybe her difficulty with sleeping isn’t so much an orientation issue as it is a thermal issue and flings the sheets off her body. (In the morning she will blame me for the disheveled bed, mind you.) This is entirely the wrong approach because a minute later my wife realizes she is freezing and drags the covers back on her again. She then tries a few more iterations, only one blanket off, maybe just a leg needs to be dangling out to feel the cool breeze, or possibly it is due to a misalignment of one of her dozen pillows she props under her head, between her legs or clinches in her arms at night. None of this helps, and she sighs again as she rotates BACK to her original position–lying on her back. This helps, and I start to doze off, until I hear the sigh released yet again, and I know that this process is about to repeat. I quickly reach an arm over to hold down the soon-to-be airborn flip flopper from hell and say STOP!
The Wife: Oh you’re awake? I can’t sleep!
The Husband: Really, you don’t say.
The Wife: You wanna talk?
The Husband: GO to the other bed.
The Wife: But…
As she drops her head in despair and walks out, I smile and close my eyes once again because I get to enjoy one of the few things I never imagined I would miss from a bachelorhood…an empty bed.