That’s right all…The Clueless Newlywed’s husband is taking over once again! Let me start off by saying that there has been an unsolved mystery in our household.
Actually there have been many unsolved mysteries, such as trying to capture the magic little elves that continue to leave pens lying around the house with their caps off; finally bringing to light the evil villain who continues to leave my wife’s unmentionables on the floor so the dog can then rip it to shreds under the bed; figuring out how money keeps on being siphoned out of our bank account and into the pockets of the grocery store tycoons; and why, for the love of G-d why, are we continually battling our increasing weight (it’s only 10 pounds but hey, if you don’t watch that 10 pounds today it becomes 20 next year).
Well funny thing is that after nearly a year and half of being held captive in this life sentence known as marriage, I (the husband) have finally solved ALL of these mysteries. As it turns out…The guilty party is, drum roll please, Nikki Flores!
Here’s the story that helped me come to the above conclusion:
Last night at around 10pm my wife (Nikki Flores, aka CluelessME) burst through the door with an exasperated, “Hurry, help me with these groceries!”
“Sure.” I respond, a bit confused because she was just supposed to make a quick stop for an item or two to make something for my company potluck.
“I am never going back there! I must have dropped another $100 or more and spent so long at the grocery store that I don’t have any time now to cook for your company potluck!” The clearly irritated Nikki Flores shouted.
The concerned, loving and handsome husband that I am then said: “You seem upset. Are you okay?”
She quickly cut me off with some gibberish about the trials and tribulations of the supermarket, which I quickly tuned out by sentence number two. (C’mon, it’s not my fault, my ADD medicine had worn off that late at night).
Nikki, clearly distraught, asked the typical question “Will you help me put away the groceries?” Which I did. I waited until she half disappeared into the refrigerator putting things away before I decided to take a quick look in her purse. Nope, according to her pill rotation we were in the clear, and this demon once known as my wife was not distraught simply due to her monthly hormonal imbalance.
I scratched my head and started putting some of the groceries away. Roughly one bag into the process I looked at my wife and said, “Bread? You bought more bread?!”
“What?” she said. “It’s for hamburgers and hot dogs.”
I looked around at my surroundings, and it all suddenly became clear. We had 3 buckets of cream cheese, an over flowing basket of ripe fruit, 4 containers of milk (1 vanilla soy, 1 chocolate soy, 1 almond milk and 1 regular), a container of mushrooms to replace the mushrooms she just handed me to toss out along with the bad spinach WHICH was being replaced by two more packages of spinach and of course, the bread. We now had enough bread to survive the fallout of a nuclear war in a bomb shelter. Our collection consisted of a bag of tortillas, a regular loaf of bread, two bags of bagels, a bag of hot dog buns and a package of hamburger buns.
“Nikki you need to stop! You buy more food then we can eat!”
“What are you talking about? We need all this.” She retorted. “We haven’t been eating out very often any more.”
“Really?!” I respond. “Can we eat our body weight in fruit within the next 36 hours? Or worse yet, do you realize you have bought enough bread to make 55 sandwiches?!
That’s 55 people! And I’m not even counting the loaf and a half sitting in the freezer or the half loaf she gave me to store at work for lunches.”
It all made perfect sense. You see…Nikki has an over-shopping, overstocking out-of-control supermarket spending habit. You give her a list of 10 items and she comes back with 68.3.
After my outburst, I quietly helped her put all 15 bags of groceries away while she made excuses for all of the purchases.
Later that night, as I lay in bed planning my next 8 months of meals to figure out how to consume all this crap, Nikki turned over and said, “Oh I didn’t get to tell you all the yummy snacks I got us!”
What? I didn’t write down any snacks on the grocery list.
That’s when I solved mystery number two. I should have realized as I put away the Blue Moon and had to push aside my MGD 64 that I switched over to because the beer is less filling, but still tastes great. Yes, Nikki Flores is also the diabolic Antichrist of nutrition! Sure she makes me eat my fruits and veggies and exercise, but she is also the one bringing in the late night snacks (i.e. bags of chips, pudding, ice cream and premium calorie filled beer).
I lay there as she spoke of all these delicious desserts that had invaded my life pondering silently to myself, This woman is up to something. Is she trying to fatten me up so other women won’t try to sleep with me? Is she trying to make me die of a heart attack at a young age so she can collect my life insurance?
Whatever the motives are, I’m on to her plan and I will not allow her to be victorious. Nikki Flores must be stopped!